The Key to Success

Ever since I was a little boy I have loved Fantasy novels. I grew up reading classics like Tolkien and C.S. Lewis and when I began to write I naturally wanted to immitate my favorite books and write a fantasy novel. However, whenever I review my attempts to create a fantasy novel I see the same pattern creeping up. All of my stories tend to suck and make me want burn everything I've written. I decided to reassess the situation and look for inspiration from some successful contemporary fantasy writers. What I found upon further investigation has led me to form a disturbing conclusion. Since my findings would be the work of several volumes I will boil down my discovery into two words: facial hair. As in every other activity in life awesome facial hair gives you an undeniable edge over the competition in writing. Now you may be skeptical at this ludricrous claim, but lets look at some examples.

Author:

George R. R. Martin

Most Notable Work:

Best Selling Series A Song of Ice and Fire (made into mediocre television series)

Most Notable Facial Hair:

A beard that seems to be at least half the size of his actual head. This photo looks like a pair of glasses trailing a thick cobweb but if you look closely you can see a castle in the background, oh and an author attached to the glasses and beard.

Author:

Terry Goodkind

Most Notable Work:

The Sword of Truth Series (made into a less-than mediocre television series)

Most Notable Facial Hair:
A beard that looks like he trims it with the aid of an electron microscope. I'm surprised this guy had an opportunity to write anything what with the constant care his beard must demand. Now his beard does not take up nearly as much of his face as Martin's does but Goodkind compensates for this inadequacy with one of the most spectacular 'I have a pony tail so you don't notice my receeding hairline' arrangements that I have ever seen. No, seriously Terry, it's not even kinda noticeable that you've lost like half your hair already. No, of course you don't look like a borderline child molestor who hangs out at bowling alleys hitting on the thirteen year olds who are there for a birthday party. No man, I don't want any candy. I don't care if you lost your puppy and need help looking for it, I'm not getting in your van Terry.

Author:

Robert Jordan

Most Notable Work:

The Wheel of Time series (adapted into a god awful video game)

Most Notable Facial Hair:

In his younger days Jordan faced much adversity due to color discrimination. You may say, but he's white! Yes, but look at the beard. That's right, Robert Jordan was one of the first to break the Ginger color barrier in the literary community. Jordan found his success when he wrote a best selling series of novels that involved a red headed orphan in a society of dark haired people discovering that there was a society of red headed people that could actually totally beat up the 'regular' kids, i mean people. Oh, and he was their magical leader apparently as well I guess. Jordan's sensitivity to his gingerness caused him to write down what every nerd dreams of. A world where he is the coolest most popular guy around and he gets to take vengeance on people who made fun of him for being different? I can just see right now little Robby Jordan in third grade gym class trying to get out of dodgeball because the other kids were going to gang up on him. Well he doesn't need to be sensitive any more. He is a national bestselling author. And all those kids from grade school know that now because he totally called them all to rub it in, even if most of them didn't remember him it was still totally awesome! He doesn't need to worry anymore anyway cause his hair turned white so he looks normal! Also he was diagnosed with a genetic disease and died of it 2 years ago. Kind of a bummer. But his legacy lives on.

So there you have it. That is just three of the very successful indivduals who have helped shaped modern fantasy literature. The one uniting feature? That's right, facial hair. You heard it here first folks. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go soak my face in Rogain and look up the numbers to all the kids I went to grade school with. My novel about a hero who has stress induced diarrhea is totally gonna put them all in their place! Then they'll feel stupid for making fun of me.

R.I.P. Robert Jordan

1948-2007

Headlines Which Could Potentially Destroy Thanksgiving

Every Thanksgiving we gather together to give thanks for all the bounty that the year has bestowed upon us. Well, that's the excuse we use so that we can eat dangerous amounts of comfort food. There are many things that can put a damper on the festivities; sibling infighting, illness, a renegade parade float accidently crippling the family dog, but its hard to imagine anything momentus enough that it would cause thanksgiving to be entirely ruined, or canceled all together. Here are some headlines to look out for which could end up ruining your family's special day.

-Congress Unites Behind Last Minute Bill Banning Stuffing
-Lobby Group of Aunts Push for Constitutional Amendment Protecting Pinching Nephews' Cheeks
-Turkey Linked to Rectal Cancer
-Set of Red Dawn Sequel Attacked by Russians
-Historians Reveal Pilgrims Never Made it to Plymouth, Spent 2 Years in Bermuda Oppressing Natives There Instead
-Cranberry Sauce Actually Liquified Puppies!
-Gravy Shortage Causes Spike in Prices, Now $5.00 a Gallon
-Europeans Time International 'Your Mama's So Fat' Competition to Coincide with Thanksgiving, Mothers Rush Out to Buy Mass Quantities of Tofurkey
-Law Limits Parades to Marching Bands and Creepy Clowns Only, Children Mourn Loss of Balloons, Fathers Mourn Loss of Cheerleaders, McDonald's Puts Record Number of Clowns in Parades.
-Due to Radiation Caused by Sun Spots All Corn Now Comes In Popped Form
-Santa Clause Refuses to March In Parade, Slightly Tipsy Santa Quoted as Saying "Those little $#!%$ don't even believe in me anymore!"

These are just a few of the awful things that could happen to derail your thanksgiving. Hopefully nothing untoward will happen, and in that hope I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!

Creepy Songs

In light of the Halloween season I decided to compile a list of songs that are just plain creepy. These songs are made all the more weird because they were intended by the writers to be romantic and endearing.
In no particular order:
1. I’ll be watching you-Sting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doFKkuzoawM
-This one may surprise you as this song is beloved by many. However, these fans are far removed from the dating scene where, if you really did watch every step someone took, you would soon be on the receiving end of several restraining orders. There is a fine line between devoted and obsessed and while Sting himself may be able to walk that line tolerably well, all too many of his listeners lack his finesse and believe their habit of waiting in the bushes outside their love interest’s house with binoculars the highest indication of their devotion.

2. Private Eyes-Hall and Oates http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anLfoy2XsFw
-Like so many love songs this one began with a simple idea of romantic love. A man is declaring his love for a woman by saying, in an unconventional way, that he only has eyes for her. By trying to reword this classic expression of love 80’s duo Hall and Oates only succeeded in creating a song that seemed to say that the man had hired private detectives to spy on the woman. Let’s analyze a line from the chorus, shall we? They sing, “My private eyes are watching you. They see your every move. Private eyes they’re watching you. Private eyes they’re watching you. Watching you, watching you, watching you.” Just in case she did not get the hint that she was being watched the first time they make sure to repeat it five more times. Far from being touched by the man’s devotion this woman would most likely become a shut-in. Afraid to leave her apartment for fear that she would be watched constantly she becomes reclusive and paranoid. Eventually this lifestyle would send her teetering over the brink of madness and she would be committed to a high security insane asylum. At least the spies can’t get past all the guards and barbed wire…unless they have spy satellites.

3. Talking In Your Sleep-The Romantics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkIyrX_qpuY
-Not to be confused with the 19th century writers, the Romantics were a band in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, apparently a time before personal space was invented. The lyrics to this song say, “I hear the secrets that you keep, when you’re talking in your sleep.” This conjures the image of a boyfriend lying next to a sleeping girlfriend staring at her while she rests. Now some people might not find this creepy, in fact some may find it wonderful that the boyfriend enjoys watching his girlfriend sleep, however when you add in a tape recorder and a determination to spy on the girlfriend without her ever knowing about it you get a man who has some serious boundary issues. This guy is so paranoid that he will analyze the vague murmurings of a semi-comatose girlfriend for information on her life. What’s that? Something about liking pie? We’ve never had pie! You slut! Your cheating on me with a baker aren’t you? I knew it! This man will eventually end up either killing his girlfriend in her sleep or die from exhaustion trying to stay up every night listening to her talk.

4. Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI
-Ignoring the fact that in the video to this song a very weird looking Rick wears a trench coat usually only worn by flashers and gun toting madmen the lyrics are creepy enough to act as a summation of all these other songs. He sings, “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.” Rick has passed the stage where he obsessively observes his girlfriend. He has done this very well. Now, when she realizes what a creepy little troll he is, Rick refuses to let her go. While his words were originally meant as a pledge of his fidelity we have to ask, are there really that many women who would find Rick Astley so attractive that they would be worried about him cheating on them? I can only believe that were a woman to find herself the object of Rick’s love she would pray to god that some other woman would be foolish enough to draw his attention away long enough that she could hop on a plane to parts unknown and spend the rest of her life hiding in the dark recesses of a third world country scratching a living from a harsh and unyielding terrain. Such a life would undoubtedly be preferable to being the object of this tiny creep’s affection.

These songs are just the worst of a large body of music that aims at synthesizing true love, but fails miserably. Hopefully the future will see a new generation of song writers who learned from the mistakes of these men, but most likely it will only provide new means through technology for them to spy on women. For example, our generation has given rise...to Facebook Stalkers. Observe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCPTg-5CFVM

Book Review

My first book review has been published on Alternate Reality Web Zine! This is my first article as an associated writer! Please go read my review and tell me what you think! www.arwz.com

Writing Position

This is just a short post letting people know that I just got a position as a writer at the online magazine Alternate Reality Web Zine. I will be writing reviews about new fantasy, science fiction, and horror books and movies. My first article should be getting posted on the site in the next week or so. Check it out at www.arwz.com. Special thanks to my sister Shaun who first brought the writing position opening to my attention!

Quotations Lacking Quotability

A few days ago I turned on the T.V. around 6 O'Clock and there to my wondering eyes did appear the nightly news. Had I been so long immersed in the Internet that I had forgotten my old friend T.V.? With every major media source having a constantly updating website dedicated to what was happening around the world I had left behind such quaint conventions as 'the nightly news'. So, just for old times sake, I sat down in my armchair with my slippers, pipe, and smoking jacket and prepared to be treated to the second best source of news available.

As I was in Philadelphia at the time the first story was of course about a series of shootings that had occurred the previous evening. The anchor, after giving a brief synopsis of events, sent the story to their 'reporter in the field'. Now this is where my disappointment set in. My memory of the nightly news told me that here I would find harrowing tails of how innocent citizens barely escaped ricochet bullets that came perilously close to them. I was not treated to such exciting accounts, but instead the quote given by an elderly resident ran along the lines of "People shouldn't be shooting guns off like that, it's just bad." No way! Bad? But in movies random gunfire just looks so awesome! I tried to excuse this lackluster quotation by telling myself that the woman was most likely at a loss for words considering the traumatic nature of the shootings, and possibly a bit vague in her senility. The next quote just left me floundering for excuses for its lack of insight or even coherence, "It went down fast you know? Like Bam Boom! I was saying to my boy people coming up and doing stuff and firemen dying and all that and cops too sometimes and shit just happens you can't fight it, you just can't. But somebody really oughta do somethin." From this quote we can gather that firmen are the main victims of random shootings, shootings that can't possibly be prevented, but which should be stopped. Really?

I kept watching, hoping that some story would come along that would provide me with a quote that would show some kind of valuable insight, but to no avail. It seemed that average Americans, regardless of region, age, or economic status were incapable of saying anything that could provide their fellow citizens with a better understanding of the events about which they were being questioned. After a while dwelling on this depressing conclusion I became determined to go out and get to the bottom of this problem. So I took to the streets to confront people with this alarming trend.

I first approached a young man waiting at a bus stop. He informed me that he was on his way to work at Carnegie Mellon downtown. When I informed him of the decline in the quality of quotations he replied quickly, "Well what do you expect? People are going to continue getting more stupid until 2012. That's when the world is going to end. The Mayans said so in Nostradamus' calendar. It's in the bible man, under R for Revelations. Look it up." Not a good start, but I kept going in my search to find an intelligent quotation. My hard work earned me the following gems.

"Who cares about quotations? I'm only interested in what people have to say!"
"Well I blame the schools, they should give classes on how to talk, because that's when quotations really count."
"Quotations are a difficult issue because the country is so divided over them. Until we learn to put aside personal differences things like the economy and quotations are going to suffer."
"That shit's f#&%ed up yo. People need to be versatile in how they talk and shit. Their shit has gotta have some diversification and shit. Because if you are just saying the same shit over and over again, well, shit! No one wants to hear that shit."

It was a rough day that yielded up little to give me hope. As my search for a decent quote wound down and I returned home to report my findings all I could say about the quotation crisis was, "This isn't a good thing and someone somewhere should do something about this thing."

Robots a Front for the Furtherance of a Racist Agenda?

This past week I went with some friends to see the new Transformers movie and afterwards we sat in the parking lot catching up with each other and discussing the movie. As we talked we looked around the parking lot talking about which cars looked like they could be more than met the eye, that is, robots in disguise. Sitting right next to each other were two nice looking sports cars of similar models. One was yellow and the other was black. I pointed them out as possible robots, and my one friend was quick to point out that while they both could be, the black one would most certainly be an evil decepticon. Joking, I immediately accused her of being blatantly racist against cars of color...darker color that is. We all had a good laugh and left for the night shortly after. I, however, felt that I had hit on something that had more than just a kernel of truth to it.

After much reflection and careful investigation I can only conclude that Michael Bay, in addition to being a horrendous director and a giant tool, is an agent of a secret plot to exacerbate the racial tensions that exist in our society today. You may think that I overreact, but let's look at the facts here people. February 10, 2007 Barack Obama announces his candidacy for President of the United States of America. July 3, 2007 Transformers is released to an enthusiastic audience. January 20, 2009 Barack Obama is sworn in as president of the United States. June 24, 2009 Transformers; Revenge of the Fallen is released to further the message of hate first stated in the first movie. Coincidence? I think not.

Let's look at the African American characters in the first movie. Bernie Mack played a used car dealer who tries to sell a car to the innocent young Sam played by Bay's racist agenda's tool Shia LaBeouf. As the movie progresses Bernie Mack's character is made to look like a fool and his business is ruined, all so as to provide comedy relief for the movie. Bay was obviously using this scene to trivialize the very real economic deprivation of inner city African Americans and to assert the dominance of the white man over African Americans in the financial sector. Bay's depravity does not stop there however.

Let's next look at the autobot Jazz. All cliched jokes about the black guy always dying in movies aside, (Jazz is torn in two later in the movie), Jazz is nothing more than a highly advanced mechanized metal Uncle Tom or Jim Crow. Throughout the entire movie his only function is to spout cliched ebonics which are meant to make him appear more 'black' and to obey the command of Optimus Prime. Optimus Prime by the way is colored most prominently in Red and Blue. Throw some white in there and you have a giant talking American Flag ordering around an insulting racial stereotype. This is obviously meant to be the key point of Michael Bay's racist agenda as he sets up an allegory for the subjugation of the African American people to the United States Government.

I will leave any kind of legal action in the hands of the African American community, but I can only assume that it will soon be coming seeing as Bay, realizing that one movie would not be enough to cram his white supremacist agenda down the throats of freedom loving Americans, has now put out a second movie which continues his depraved and unashamed attack on the African American Community. I pray that America will come to its senses and soon clamor for the downfall of this talentless hack who has only been successful through racist support, large explosions, and the smoking hotness which is Megan Fox.

Freedom Isn't Free, God Bless American, and All Hail the Mighty Robot Overlords!

First Contact

My sister suggested I create a blog as it would be a great opportunity for me to get myself noticed as an aspiring writer. I'm very grateful for her advice and encouragement. Usually when people ask me what I want to do and I tell them that I am a writing major they ask, if I want to commit suicide wouldn't a gun be easier, and less messy? That seems to be the prevailing attitude amongst the majority of people I speak to. Writing is perceived as a dead end that can lead to one of four places; as a professor in the university where my only purpose would be to perpetuate the major that others see as so useless, the local book store where I could impress patrons with the fact that I have a doctorate while I pull in a paycheck just slightly above minimum wage, law school where I could sensibly bury my dreams of writing in order to get a degree that will actually mean something to employers, and finally, a low rent apartment in a bad L.A. neighborhood where I keep working in my attempt to 'make it' as a writer, kept warm by nothing but my dreams and the trashcan in the corner filled with flaming cardboard boxes.

In this blog I hope to display and improve my writing abilities. What will I write about? I honestly have no clue seeing as I have hitherto been unable to discern any specific area where I can weigh in with anything resembling authority. No matter though, I will do my best to make this blog entertaining and enjoyable for any who happen upon it, and though at the moment my readership is non-existent I hope to change that very soon.