North Korea's World Cup Problem

Early reports from North Korea following the devastating loss to Portugal in the world cup indicate strong levels of discontent amongst the populace. North Korea’s 7-0 defeat at the hands of Portugal was the worst in years. Understandably the people of North Korea are upset at this news, but their ire was directed, not at the team, as would be expected, but rather at dictatorial leader Kim Jong Il.
“We do not blame the players,” said one citizen who asked to not be identified for fear of execution, “in truth we believe it is the fault of our leader Kim Jong Il.”
Kim Jong Il was only involved on the periphery of the team, barely taking a hand in the recruiting aspect and not even dealing with the players directly in practices. So, how could he be held accountable for the team’s failure? The answer, according to one North Korean native, is quite simple.
“It is a well known fact in North Korea that Kim Jong Il is the fastest, strongest, and all around most athletic person on the face of the earth. He holds all of the Olympic records within the boundaries of North Korea. So, why, in such an important international competition, did he choose to sideline himself? Did he think he was taking it easy on the other, more pathetic countries? If so, I would be tempted to say he judged the matter poorly, but of course he never judges poorly so his decision is unquestionable. He probably just doesn’t want to make the other countries feel bad about themselves.”
Perhaps Kim Jong Il should have been concentrating on his skills as a striker, rather than developing technology to strike out at the capitalist nations of the West. Prior to the tournament, when asked about the possibility of the unstoppable juggernaut that is Kim Jong Il participating in the world cup, President Obama had this to say,
“Now I understand that he believes himself to be exceptionally talented, but when faced with the prospect of America squaring off against Kim Jong Il on the pitch all I can say is Score Board. What happened when North Korea messed with America last time? That’s right they got a big fat demarcation zone down the length of their peninsula. Come at us Kim and we will just take half of that gay little soccer field…the good half. While we’re at it, what kind of country is just on a peninsula? No offense South Korea but a peninsula is basically just a land wang…or possibly an earth pimple. Either way it can’t compete with regularly situated nations. In conclusion, Kim Jong Il and his gay little peninsula nation can go hang out with the other peninsulas…like Italy. By the way, hey Italy how’s that Roman Empire doing? What? It fell? And you haven’t been a legit country since? Ouch.”
President Obama then walked out of the room chanting U-S-A and kicking a panda. It is doubtful whether the unrest following the world cup will amount to anything in North Korea, however it is clear that tensions are high and that peninsulas are totally lame.

Superbowl Prediction

In the tradition of 'Carl's Stone Cold Lock of the Century; of the Week' I will be giving my own prediction for this year's big game. For all those Saints fans out there I am sorry to say you are hopelessly screwed. To support this fact I give you one reason and one reason only; Divine Wrath. By sacrilegiously taking the name of a group of people devoted to peace and using it to represent a team who mercilessly pile drives the competition you have pissed in God's eye one time too many. The big guy is ticked off and ready to destroy you and everything that you love. You may say that we have Drew Breeze and Reggie Bush and a solid recieving core. This is true, but these men are on this world for one purpose-to raise your hope so that in the second quarter when god sends a fiery ball of death down to kill the entire saints starting line up the pain will be that much worse. You will have to spend the rest of the game watching third string Chase Daniel pussy footing around the stadium and having coach Sean Payton tie his shoes and kiss his owies. The Saints are doomed due to their lack of divine favor and their own sense of entitlement.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the field Peyton Manning will be on his way to scoring 14 touchdowns, pausing only to bow down before the altar of his god, corporate advertising. You see Manning, in addition to being a bionic superman with a mentally challenged little brother, is a economic genius. He knew that there is no power greater on this earth than that of the super conglomerate. So he hitched himself to the media's cart and ran his ass off like Michael Vick being chased by the entire membership of PETA. I have it on very good authority that there was a meeting in Berlin of the most powerful media giants in the world, and they all decided that Peyton is gonna bring it home for the Colts this evening, and that they will allow no more commercials with Eli in them because between Forrest Gump and Rain Man the market has already been cornered for loveable handicapped men trying to make it in the real world.

So there you go, that is my prediction for the game. The Saints are more screwed than Sodom and Gomorrah on super orgy tuesday and Peyton Manning, backed by the economic masterminds of the western hemisphere, will easily lead his saints to a 34-10 victory over the Saints.

Poem

I'm taking an intro to poetry class this semester, and so far it has been pretty basic, normal stuff. So, a little bored, I decided to have fun with this week's assignment. We had to create a poem where the first line was a quote. This could open up the field for a lot of grandiose and overblown attempts to make a poem that was just as inspiring as the quote itself. I decided to go the other way on this one and just have fun with it. Here is my poem:

"Mark Twain"

"Clothes Make the man
Naked people have little
Or no influence on society."
Did you ever test this
sweeping statement of yours?
What a sight that would be
Down by the Mississippi.
The famous author and satirist renowned
Nude as God made him, running around.
I wonder what would have come of this,
Incarceration or a Romantic tryst?
The history books would read different today.
The author of Tom Sawyer, a nudist you say?
Would your work be esteemed as high?
Or would people just call you that naked guy
Who wrote about slaves and an Aunt named Polly?
Well that'd be changing society by golly!
Unfortunately though nobody knows
What would have happened if you took off your clothes.

I really hope my poetry teacher doesn't take herself too seriously and is able to see the humor here. I'm sure she'll let me know come time for grades.

Al Gore Is Black

As some of you may know former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich recently claimed that he was in fact "blacker than Barack Obama." Most political pundits are hailing this outrageous and horribly racist statement as one of the worst political blunders in recent history, well they would be if this guy hadn't already been completely shut out of the political landscape after the scandal involving him trying to sell a senate seat. Despite the backlash against this obviously inept political figure some politicians are picking up on his example and trying to make a claim on their blackness.

Exhibit A, Al Gore; vice-president, environmentalist, hood ass motha f#&$@.

Al Gore, seen here with two members of The Black Eyed Peas is taking strides to make himself appear more 'black'. Commenting on his blackness Gore said, "I didn't always have it easy. I had to go through some pretty rough times before I hit it big with my invention of the Internet and that whole vice-president schizzle."

Gore has become most famous for his work combating global warming, or as he now calls it, "popping caps in the gaseous ass of carbon emissions." Gore also attempted to increase his street cred by punching Perez Hilton in the face, but many thought that this was just a bit too cliched.

Other examples of politicians staking claim to being black are popping up all over. At a recent publicity event for the democratic party Hillary Clinton was being honored for her role in the 2008 election when Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown ran up on stage, stole the microphone from her and yelled, "Ima let you finish Hillary, but Senator Dianne Feinstein had the best campaign of 2008."

Some politicians who have lost the limelight are trying to reinvent themselves as more 'black' and branch out into other areas to stay in the public eye. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign after he was caught soliciting prostitution, is launching a new music career. His first rap album, scheduled to drop in March 2010, is entitled "Pimpin Ain't Easy; Straight Outta Brookville, New York." Incidentally Brookville, New York was recently named the richest town in America. Projections for record sales are poor citing the only demographic interested in the album as post-menopausal republican house wives.

Whether these various gambits will pay off politically only time will tell. However, initial poles indicate what all of us already suspected, politicians will associate themselves with any stereotype for one more vote.