North Korea's World Cup Problem

Early reports from North Korea following the devastating loss to Portugal in the world cup indicate strong levels of discontent amongst the populace. North Korea’s 7-0 defeat at the hands of Portugal was the worst in years. Understandably the people of North Korea are upset at this news, but their ire was directed, not at the team, as would be expected, but rather at dictatorial leader Kim Jong Il.
“We do not blame the players,” said one citizen who asked to not be identified for fear of execution, “in truth we believe it is the fault of our leader Kim Jong Il.”
Kim Jong Il was only involved on the periphery of the team, barely taking a hand in the recruiting aspect and not even dealing with the players directly in practices. So, how could he be held accountable for the team’s failure? The answer, according to one North Korean native, is quite simple.
“It is a well known fact in North Korea that Kim Jong Il is the fastest, strongest, and all around most athletic person on the face of the earth. He holds all of the Olympic records within the boundaries of North Korea. So, why, in such an important international competition, did he choose to sideline himself? Did he think he was taking it easy on the other, more pathetic countries? If so, I would be tempted to say he judged the matter poorly, but of course he never judges poorly so his decision is unquestionable. He probably just doesn’t want to make the other countries feel bad about themselves.”
Perhaps Kim Jong Il should have been concentrating on his skills as a striker, rather than developing technology to strike out at the capitalist nations of the West. Prior to the tournament, when asked about the possibility of the unstoppable juggernaut that is Kim Jong Il participating in the world cup, President Obama had this to say,
“Now I understand that he believes himself to be exceptionally talented, but when faced with the prospect of America squaring off against Kim Jong Il on the pitch all I can say is Score Board. What happened when North Korea messed with America last time? That’s right they got a big fat demarcation zone down the length of their peninsula. Come at us Kim and we will just take half of that gay little soccer field…the good half. While we’re at it, what kind of country is just on a peninsula? No offense South Korea but a peninsula is basically just a land wang…or possibly an earth pimple. Either way it can’t compete with regularly situated nations. In conclusion, Kim Jong Il and his gay little peninsula nation can go hang out with the other peninsulas…like Italy. By the way, hey Italy how’s that Roman Empire doing? What? It fell? And you haven’t been a legit country since? Ouch.”
President Obama then walked out of the room chanting U-S-A and kicking a panda. It is doubtful whether the unrest following the world cup will amount to anything in North Korea, however it is clear that tensions are high and that peninsulas are totally lame.

Superbowl Prediction

In the tradition of 'Carl's Stone Cold Lock of the Century; of the Week' I will be giving my own prediction for this year's big game. For all those Saints fans out there I am sorry to say you are hopelessly screwed. To support this fact I give you one reason and one reason only; Divine Wrath. By sacrilegiously taking the name of a group of people devoted to peace and using it to represent a team who mercilessly pile drives the competition you have pissed in God's eye one time too many. The big guy is ticked off and ready to destroy you and everything that you love. You may say that we have Drew Breeze and Reggie Bush and a solid recieving core. This is true, but these men are on this world for one purpose-to raise your hope so that in the second quarter when god sends a fiery ball of death down to kill the entire saints starting line up the pain will be that much worse. You will have to spend the rest of the game watching third string Chase Daniel pussy footing around the stadium and having coach Sean Payton tie his shoes and kiss his owies. The Saints are doomed due to their lack of divine favor and their own sense of entitlement.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the field Peyton Manning will be on his way to scoring 14 touchdowns, pausing only to bow down before the altar of his god, corporate advertising. You see Manning, in addition to being a bionic superman with a mentally challenged little brother, is a economic genius. He knew that there is no power greater on this earth than that of the super conglomerate. So he hitched himself to the media's cart and ran his ass off like Michael Vick being chased by the entire membership of PETA. I have it on very good authority that there was a meeting in Berlin of the most powerful media giants in the world, and they all decided that Peyton is gonna bring it home for the Colts this evening, and that they will allow no more commercials with Eli in them because between Forrest Gump and Rain Man the market has already been cornered for loveable handicapped men trying to make it in the real world.

So there you go, that is my prediction for the game. The Saints are more screwed than Sodom and Gomorrah on super orgy tuesday and Peyton Manning, backed by the economic masterminds of the western hemisphere, will easily lead his saints to a 34-10 victory over the Saints.

Poem

I'm taking an intro to poetry class this semester, and so far it has been pretty basic, normal stuff. So, a little bored, I decided to have fun with this week's assignment. We had to create a poem where the first line was a quote. This could open up the field for a lot of grandiose and overblown attempts to make a poem that was just as inspiring as the quote itself. I decided to go the other way on this one and just have fun with it. Here is my poem:

"Mark Twain"

"Clothes Make the man
Naked people have little
Or no influence on society."
Did you ever test this
sweeping statement of yours?
What a sight that would be
Down by the Mississippi.
The famous author and satirist renowned
Nude as God made him, running around.
I wonder what would have come of this,
Incarceration or a Romantic tryst?
The history books would read different today.
The author of Tom Sawyer, a nudist you say?
Would your work be esteemed as high?
Or would people just call you that naked guy
Who wrote about slaves and an Aunt named Polly?
Well that'd be changing society by golly!
Unfortunately though nobody knows
What would have happened if you took off your clothes.

I really hope my poetry teacher doesn't take herself too seriously and is able to see the humor here. I'm sure she'll let me know come time for grades.

Al Gore Is Black

As some of you may know former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich recently claimed that he was in fact "blacker than Barack Obama." Most political pundits are hailing this outrageous and horribly racist statement as one of the worst political blunders in recent history, well they would be if this guy hadn't already been completely shut out of the political landscape after the scandal involving him trying to sell a senate seat. Despite the backlash against this obviously inept political figure some politicians are picking up on his example and trying to make a claim on their blackness.

Exhibit A, Al Gore; vice-president, environmentalist, hood ass motha f#&$@.

Al Gore, seen here with two members of The Black Eyed Peas is taking strides to make himself appear more 'black'. Commenting on his blackness Gore said, "I didn't always have it easy. I had to go through some pretty rough times before I hit it big with my invention of the Internet and that whole vice-president schizzle."

Gore has become most famous for his work combating global warming, or as he now calls it, "popping caps in the gaseous ass of carbon emissions." Gore also attempted to increase his street cred by punching Perez Hilton in the face, but many thought that this was just a bit too cliched.

Other examples of politicians staking claim to being black are popping up all over. At a recent publicity event for the democratic party Hillary Clinton was being honored for her role in the 2008 election when Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown ran up on stage, stole the microphone from her and yelled, "Ima let you finish Hillary, but Senator Dianne Feinstein had the best campaign of 2008."

Some politicians who have lost the limelight are trying to reinvent themselves as more 'black' and branch out into other areas to stay in the public eye. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign after he was caught soliciting prostitution, is launching a new music career. His first rap album, scheduled to drop in March 2010, is entitled "Pimpin Ain't Easy; Straight Outta Brookville, New York." Incidentally Brookville, New York was recently named the richest town in America. Projections for record sales are poor citing the only demographic interested in the album as post-menopausal republican house wives.

Whether these various gambits will pay off politically only time will tell. However, initial poles indicate what all of us already suspected, politicians will associate themselves with any stereotype for one more vote.

The Key to Success

Ever since I was a little boy I have loved Fantasy novels. I grew up reading classics like Tolkien and C.S. Lewis and when I began to write I naturally wanted to immitate my favorite books and write a fantasy novel. However, whenever I review my attempts to create a fantasy novel I see the same pattern creeping up. All of my stories tend to suck and make me want burn everything I've written. I decided to reassess the situation and look for inspiration from some successful contemporary fantasy writers. What I found upon further investigation has led me to form a disturbing conclusion. Since my findings would be the work of several volumes I will boil down my discovery into two words: facial hair. As in every other activity in life awesome facial hair gives you an undeniable edge over the competition in writing. Now you may be skeptical at this ludricrous claim, but lets look at some examples.

Author:

George R. R. Martin

Most Notable Work:

Best Selling Series A Song of Ice and Fire (made into mediocre television series)

Most Notable Facial Hair:

A beard that seems to be at least half the size of his actual head. This photo looks like a pair of glasses trailing a thick cobweb but if you look closely you can see a castle in the background, oh and an author attached to the glasses and beard.

Author:

Terry Goodkind

Most Notable Work:

The Sword of Truth Series (made into a less-than mediocre television series)

Most Notable Facial Hair:
A beard that looks like he trims it with the aid of an electron microscope. I'm surprised this guy had an opportunity to write anything what with the constant care his beard must demand. Now his beard does not take up nearly as much of his face as Martin's does but Goodkind compensates for this inadequacy with one of the most spectacular 'I have a pony tail so you don't notice my receeding hairline' arrangements that I have ever seen. No, seriously Terry, it's not even kinda noticeable that you've lost like half your hair already. No, of course you don't look like a borderline child molestor who hangs out at bowling alleys hitting on the thirteen year olds who are there for a birthday party. No man, I don't want any candy. I don't care if you lost your puppy and need help looking for it, I'm not getting in your van Terry.

Author:

Robert Jordan

Most Notable Work:

The Wheel of Time series (adapted into a god awful video game)

Most Notable Facial Hair:

In his younger days Jordan faced much adversity due to color discrimination. You may say, but he's white! Yes, but look at the beard. That's right, Robert Jordan was one of the first to break the Ginger color barrier in the literary community. Jordan found his success when he wrote a best selling series of novels that involved a red headed orphan in a society of dark haired people discovering that there was a society of red headed people that could actually totally beat up the 'regular' kids, i mean people. Oh, and he was their magical leader apparently as well I guess. Jordan's sensitivity to his gingerness caused him to write down what every nerd dreams of. A world where he is the coolest most popular guy around and he gets to take vengeance on people who made fun of him for being different? I can just see right now little Robby Jordan in third grade gym class trying to get out of dodgeball because the other kids were going to gang up on him. Well he doesn't need to be sensitive any more. He is a national bestselling author. And all those kids from grade school know that now because he totally called them all to rub it in, even if most of them didn't remember him it was still totally awesome! He doesn't need to worry anymore anyway cause his hair turned white so he looks normal! Also he was diagnosed with a genetic disease and died of it 2 years ago. Kind of a bummer. But his legacy lives on.

So there you have it. That is just three of the very successful indivduals who have helped shaped modern fantasy literature. The one uniting feature? That's right, facial hair. You heard it here first folks. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go soak my face in Rogain and look up the numbers to all the kids I went to grade school with. My novel about a hero who has stress induced diarrhea is totally gonna put them all in their place! Then they'll feel stupid for making fun of me.

R.I.P. Robert Jordan

1948-2007

Headlines Which Could Potentially Destroy Thanksgiving

Every Thanksgiving we gather together to give thanks for all the bounty that the year has bestowed upon us. Well, that's the excuse we use so that we can eat dangerous amounts of comfort food. There are many things that can put a damper on the festivities; sibling infighting, illness, a renegade parade float accidently crippling the family dog, but its hard to imagine anything momentus enough that it would cause thanksgiving to be entirely ruined, or canceled all together. Here are some headlines to look out for which could end up ruining your family's special day.

-Congress Unites Behind Last Minute Bill Banning Stuffing
-Lobby Group of Aunts Push for Constitutional Amendment Protecting Pinching Nephews' Cheeks
-Turkey Linked to Rectal Cancer
-Set of Red Dawn Sequel Attacked by Russians
-Historians Reveal Pilgrims Never Made it to Plymouth, Spent 2 Years in Bermuda Oppressing Natives There Instead
-Cranberry Sauce Actually Liquified Puppies!
-Gravy Shortage Causes Spike in Prices, Now $5.00 a Gallon
-Europeans Time International 'Your Mama's So Fat' Competition to Coincide with Thanksgiving, Mothers Rush Out to Buy Mass Quantities of Tofurkey
-Law Limits Parades to Marching Bands and Creepy Clowns Only, Children Mourn Loss of Balloons, Fathers Mourn Loss of Cheerleaders, McDonald's Puts Record Number of Clowns in Parades.
-Due to Radiation Caused by Sun Spots All Corn Now Comes In Popped Form
-Santa Clause Refuses to March In Parade, Slightly Tipsy Santa Quoted as Saying "Those little $#!%$ don't even believe in me anymore!"

These are just a few of the awful things that could happen to derail your thanksgiving. Hopefully nothing untoward will happen, and in that hope I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!

Creepy Songs

In light of the Halloween season I decided to compile a list of songs that are just plain creepy. These songs are made all the more weird because they were intended by the writers to be romantic and endearing.
In no particular order:
1. I’ll be watching you-Sting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doFKkuzoawM
-This one may surprise you as this song is beloved by many. However, these fans are far removed from the dating scene where, if you really did watch every step someone took, you would soon be on the receiving end of several restraining orders. There is a fine line between devoted and obsessed and while Sting himself may be able to walk that line tolerably well, all too many of his listeners lack his finesse and believe their habit of waiting in the bushes outside their love interest’s house with binoculars the highest indication of their devotion.

2. Private Eyes-Hall and Oates http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anLfoy2XsFw
-Like so many love songs this one began with a simple idea of romantic love. A man is declaring his love for a woman by saying, in an unconventional way, that he only has eyes for her. By trying to reword this classic expression of love 80’s duo Hall and Oates only succeeded in creating a song that seemed to say that the man had hired private detectives to spy on the woman. Let’s analyze a line from the chorus, shall we? They sing, “My private eyes are watching you. They see your every move. Private eyes they’re watching you. Private eyes they’re watching you. Watching you, watching you, watching you.” Just in case she did not get the hint that she was being watched the first time they make sure to repeat it five more times. Far from being touched by the man’s devotion this woman would most likely become a shut-in. Afraid to leave her apartment for fear that she would be watched constantly she becomes reclusive and paranoid. Eventually this lifestyle would send her teetering over the brink of madness and she would be committed to a high security insane asylum. At least the spies can’t get past all the guards and barbed wire…unless they have spy satellites.

3. Talking In Your Sleep-The Romantics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkIyrX_qpuY
-Not to be confused with the 19th century writers, the Romantics were a band in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, apparently a time before personal space was invented. The lyrics to this song say, “I hear the secrets that you keep, when you’re talking in your sleep.” This conjures the image of a boyfriend lying next to a sleeping girlfriend staring at her while she rests. Now some people might not find this creepy, in fact some may find it wonderful that the boyfriend enjoys watching his girlfriend sleep, however when you add in a tape recorder and a determination to spy on the girlfriend without her ever knowing about it you get a man who has some serious boundary issues. This guy is so paranoid that he will analyze the vague murmurings of a semi-comatose girlfriend for information on her life. What’s that? Something about liking pie? We’ve never had pie! You slut! Your cheating on me with a baker aren’t you? I knew it! This man will eventually end up either killing his girlfriend in her sleep or die from exhaustion trying to stay up every night listening to her talk.

4. Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI
-Ignoring the fact that in the video to this song a very weird looking Rick wears a trench coat usually only worn by flashers and gun toting madmen the lyrics are creepy enough to act as a summation of all these other songs. He sings, “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.” Rick has passed the stage where he obsessively observes his girlfriend. He has done this very well. Now, when she realizes what a creepy little troll he is, Rick refuses to let her go. While his words were originally meant as a pledge of his fidelity we have to ask, are there really that many women who would find Rick Astley so attractive that they would be worried about him cheating on them? I can only believe that were a woman to find herself the object of Rick’s love she would pray to god that some other woman would be foolish enough to draw his attention away long enough that she could hop on a plane to parts unknown and spend the rest of her life hiding in the dark recesses of a third world country scratching a living from a harsh and unyielding terrain. Such a life would undoubtedly be preferable to being the object of this tiny creep’s affection.

These songs are just the worst of a large body of music that aims at synthesizing true love, but fails miserably. Hopefully the future will see a new generation of song writers who learned from the mistakes of these men, but most likely it will only provide new means through technology for them to spy on women. For example, our generation has given rise...to Facebook Stalkers. Observe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCPTg-5CFVM