Every Thanksgiving we gather together to give thanks for all the bounty that the year has bestowed upon us. Well, that's the excuse we use so that we can eat dangerous amounts of comfort food. There are many things that can put a damper on the festivities; sibling infighting, illness, a renegade parade float accidently crippling the family dog, but its hard to imagine anything momentus enough that it would cause thanksgiving to be entirely ruined, or canceled all together. Here are some headlines to look out for which could end up ruining your family's special day.
-Congress Unites Behind Last Minute Bill Banning Stuffing
-Lobby Group of Aunts Push for Constitutional Amendment Protecting Pinching Nephews' Cheeks
-Turkey Linked to Rectal Cancer
-Set of Red Dawn Sequel Attacked by Russians
-Historians Reveal Pilgrims Never Made it to Plymouth, Spent 2 Years in Bermuda Oppressing Natives There Instead
-Cranberry Sauce Actually Liquified Puppies!
-Gravy Shortage Causes Spike in Prices, Now $5.00 a Gallon
-Europeans Time International 'Your Mama's So Fat' Competition to Coincide with Thanksgiving, Mothers Rush Out to Buy Mass Quantities of Tofurkey
-Law Limits Parades to Marching Bands and Creepy Clowns Only, Children Mourn Loss of Balloons, Fathers Mourn Loss of Cheerleaders, McDonald's Puts Record Number of Clowns in Parades.
-Due to Radiation Caused by Sun Spots All Corn Now Comes In Popped Form
-Santa Clause Refuses to March In Parade, Slightly Tipsy Santa Quoted as Saying "Those little $#!%$ don't even believe in me anymore!"
These are just a few of the awful things that could happen to derail your thanksgiving. Hopefully nothing untoward will happen, and in that hope I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Creepy Songs
In light of the Halloween season I decided to compile a list of songs that are just plain creepy. These songs are made all the more weird because they were intended by the writers to be romantic and endearing.
In no particular order:
1. I’ll be watching you-Sting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doFKkuzoawM
-This one may surprise you as this song is beloved by many. However, these fans are far removed from the dating scene where, if you really did watch every step someone took, you would soon be on the receiving end of several restraining orders. There is a fine line between devoted and obsessed and while Sting himself may be able to walk that line tolerably well, all too many of his listeners lack his finesse and believe their habit of waiting in the bushes outside their love interest’s house with binoculars the highest indication of their devotion.
2. Private Eyes-Hall and Oates http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anLfoy2XsFw
-Like so many love songs this one began with a simple idea of romantic love. A man is declaring his love for a woman by saying, in an unconventional way, that he only has eyes for her. By trying to reword this classic expression of love 80’s duo Hall and Oates only succeeded in creating a song that seemed to say that the man had hired private detectives to spy on the woman. Let’s analyze a line from the chorus, shall we? They sing, “My private eyes are watching you. They see your every move. Private eyes they’re watching you. Private eyes they’re watching you. Watching you, watching you, watching you.” Just in case she did not get the hint that she was being watched the first time they make sure to repeat it five more times. Far from being touched by the man’s devotion this woman would most likely become a shut-in. Afraid to leave her apartment for fear that she would be watched constantly she becomes reclusive and paranoid. Eventually this lifestyle would send her teetering over the brink of madness and she would be committed to a high security insane asylum. At least the spies can’t get past all the guards and barbed wire…unless they have spy satellites.
3. Talking In Your Sleep-The Romantics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkIyrX_qpuY
-Not to be confused with the 19th century writers, the Romantics were a band in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, apparently a time before personal space was invented. The lyrics to this song say, “I hear the secrets that you keep, when you’re talking in your sleep.” This conjures the image of a boyfriend lying next to a sleeping girlfriend staring at her while she rests. Now some people might not find this creepy, in fact some may find it wonderful that the boyfriend enjoys watching his girlfriend sleep, however when you add in a tape recorder and a determination to spy on the girlfriend without her ever knowing about it you get a man who has some serious boundary issues. This guy is so paranoid that he will analyze the vague murmurings of a semi-comatose girlfriend for information on her life. What’s that? Something about liking pie? We’ve never had pie! You slut! Your cheating on me with a baker aren’t you? I knew it! This man will eventually end up either killing his girlfriend in her sleep or die from exhaustion trying to stay up every night listening to her talk.
4. Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI
-Ignoring the fact that in the video to this song a very weird looking Rick wears a trench coat usually only worn by flashers and gun toting madmen the lyrics are creepy enough to act as a summation of all these other songs. He sings, “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.” Rick has passed the stage where he obsessively observes his girlfriend. He has done this very well. Now, when she realizes what a creepy little troll he is, Rick refuses to let her go. While his words were originally meant as a pledge of his fidelity we have to ask, are there really that many women who would find Rick Astley so attractive that they would be worried about him cheating on them? I can only believe that were a woman to find herself the object of Rick’s love she would pray to god that some other woman would be foolish enough to draw his attention away long enough that she could hop on a plane to parts unknown and spend the rest of her life hiding in the dark recesses of a third world country scratching a living from a harsh and unyielding terrain. Such a life would undoubtedly be preferable to being the object of this tiny creep’s affection.
These songs are just the worst of a large body of music that aims at synthesizing true love, but fails miserably. Hopefully the future will see a new generation of song writers who learned from the mistakes of these men, but most likely it will only provide new means through technology for them to spy on women. For example, our generation has given rise...to Facebook Stalkers. Observe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCPTg-5CFVM
In no particular order:
1. I’ll be watching you-Sting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doFKkuzoawM
-This one may surprise you as this song is beloved by many. However, these fans are far removed from the dating scene where, if you really did watch every step someone took, you would soon be on the receiving end of several restraining orders. There is a fine line between devoted and obsessed and while Sting himself may be able to walk that line tolerably well, all too many of his listeners lack his finesse and believe their habit of waiting in the bushes outside their love interest’s house with binoculars the highest indication of their devotion.
2. Private Eyes-Hall and Oates http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anLfoy2XsFw
-Like so many love songs this one began with a simple idea of romantic love. A man is declaring his love for a woman by saying, in an unconventional way, that he only has eyes for her. By trying to reword this classic expression of love 80’s duo Hall and Oates only succeeded in creating a song that seemed to say that the man had hired private detectives to spy on the woman. Let’s analyze a line from the chorus, shall we? They sing, “My private eyes are watching you. They see your every move. Private eyes they’re watching you. Private eyes they’re watching you. Watching you, watching you, watching you.” Just in case she did not get the hint that she was being watched the first time they make sure to repeat it five more times. Far from being touched by the man’s devotion this woman would most likely become a shut-in. Afraid to leave her apartment for fear that she would be watched constantly she becomes reclusive and paranoid. Eventually this lifestyle would send her teetering over the brink of madness and she would be committed to a high security insane asylum. At least the spies can’t get past all the guards and barbed wire…unless they have spy satellites.
3. Talking In Your Sleep-The Romantics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkIyrX_qpuY
-Not to be confused with the 19th century writers, the Romantics were a band in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, apparently a time before personal space was invented. The lyrics to this song say, “I hear the secrets that you keep, when you’re talking in your sleep.” This conjures the image of a boyfriend lying next to a sleeping girlfriend staring at her while she rests. Now some people might not find this creepy, in fact some may find it wonderful that the boyfriend enjoys watching his girlfriend sleep, however when you add in a tape recorder and a determination to spy on the girlfriend without her ever knowing about it you get a man who has some serious boundary issues. This guy is so paranoid that he will analyze the vague murmurings of a semi-comatose girlfriend for information on her life. What’s that? Something about liking pie? We’ve never had pie! You slut! Your cheating on me with a baker aren’t you? I knew it! This man will eventually end up either killing his girlfriend in her sleep or die from exhaustion trying to stay up every night listening to her talk.
4. Never Gonna Give You Up-Rick Astley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI
-Ignoring the fact that in the video to this song a very weird looking Rick wears a trench coat usually only worn by flashers and gun toting madmen the lyrics are creepy enough to act as a summation of all these other songs. He sings, “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.” Rick has passed the stage where he obsessively observes his girlfriend. He has done this very well. Now, when she realizes what a creepy little troll he is, Rick refuses to let her go. While his words were originally meant as a pledge of his fidelity we have to ask, are there really that many women who would find Rick Astley so attractive that they would be worried about him cheating on them? I can only believe that were a woman to find herself the object of Rick’s love she would pray to god that some other woman would be foolish enough to draw his attention away long enough that she could hop on a plane to parts unknown and spend the rest of her life hiding in the dark recesses of a third world country scratching a living from a harsh and unyielding terrain. Such a life would undoubtedly be preferable to being the object of this tiny creep’s affection.
These songs are just the worst of a large body of music that aims at synthesizing true love, but fails miserably. Hopefully the future will see a new generation of song writers who learned from the mistakes of these men, but most likely it will only provide new means through technology for them to spy on women. For example, our generation has given rise...to Facebook Stalkers. Observe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCPTg-5CFVM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)