Quotations Lacking Quotability

A few days ago I turned on the T.V. around 6 O'Clock and there to my wondering eyes did appear the nightly news. Had I been so long immersed in the Internet that I had forgotten my old friend T.V.? With every major media source having a constantly updating website dedicated to what was happening around the world I had left behind such quaint conventions as 'the nightly news'. So, just for old times sake, I sat down in my armchair with my slippers, pipe, and smoking jacket and prepared to be treated to the second best source of news available.

As I was in Philadelphia at the time the first story was of course about a series of shootings that had occurred the previous evening. The anchor, after giving a brief synopsis of events, sent the story to their 'reporter in the field'. Now this is where my disappointment set in. My memory of the nightly news told me that here I would find harrowing tails of how innocent citizens barely escaped ricochet bullets that came perilously close to them. I was not treated to such exciting accounts, but instead the quote given by an elderly resident ran along the lines of "People shouldn't be shooting guns off like that, it's just bad." No way! Bad? But in movies random gunfire just looks so awesome! I tried to excuse this lackluster quotation by telling myself that the woman was most likely at a loss for words considering the traumatic nature of the shootings, and possibly a bit vague in her senility. The next quote just left me floundering for excuses for its lack of insight or even coherence, "It went down fast you know? Like Bam Boom! I was saying to my boy people coming up and doing stuff and firemen dying and all that and cops too sometimes and shit just happens you can't fight it, you just can't. But somebody really oughta do somethin." From this quote we can gather that firmen are the main victims of random shootings, shootings that can't possibly be prevented, but which should be stopped. Really?

I kept watching, hoping that some story would come along that would provide me with a quote that would show some kind of valuable insight, but to no avail. It seemed that average Americans, regardless of region, age, or economic status were incapable of saying anything that could provide their fellow citizens with a better understanding of the events about which they were being questioned. After a while dwelling on this depressing conclusion I became determined to go out and get to the bottom of this problem. So I took to the streets to confront people with this alarming trend.

I first approached a young man waiting at a bus stop. He informed me that he was on his way to work at Carnegie Mellon downtown. When I informed him of the decline in the quality of quotations he replied quickly, "Well what do you expect? People are going to continue getting more stupid until 2012. That's when the world is going to end. The Mayans said so in Nostradamus' calendar. It's in the bible man, under R for Revelations. Look it up." Not a good start, but I kept going in my search to find an intelligent quotation. My hard work earned me the following gems.

"Who cares about quotations? I'm only interested in what people have to say!"
"Well I blame the schools, they should give classes on how to talk, because that's when quotations really count."
"Quotations are a difficult issue because the country is so divided over them. Until we learn to put aside personal differences things like the economy and quotations are going to suffer."
"That shit's f#&%ed up yo. People need to be versatile in how they talk and shit. Their shit has gotta have some diversification and shit. Because if you are just saying the same shit over and over again, well, shit! No one wants to hear that shit."

It was a rough day that yielded up little to give me hope. As my search for a decent quote wound down and I returned home to report my findings all I could say about the quotation crisis was, "This isn't a good thing and someone somewhere should do something about this thing."

Robots a Front for the Furtherance of a Racist Agenda?

This past week I went with some friends to see the new Transformers movie and afterwards we sat in the parking lot catching up with each other and discussing the movie. As we talked we looked around the parking lot talking about which cars looked like they could be more than met the eye, that is, robots in disguise. Sitting right next to each other were two nice looking sports cars of similar models. One was yellow and the other was black. I pointed them out as possible robots, and my one friend was quick to point out that while they both could be, the black one would most certainly be an evil decepticon. Joking, I immediately accused her of being blatantly racist against cars of color...darker color that is. We all had a good laugh and left for the night shortly after. I, however, felt that I had hit on something that had more than just a kernel of truth to it.

After much reflection and careful investigation I can only conclude that Michael Bay, in addition to being a horrendous director and a giant tool, is an agent of a secret plot to exacerbate the racial tensions that exist in our society today. You may think that I overreact, but let's look at the facts here people. February 10, 2007 Barack Obama announces his candidacy for President of the United States of America. July 3, 2007 Transformers is released to an enthusiastic audience. January 20, 2009 Barack Obama is sworn in as president of the United States. June 24, 2009 Transformers; Revenge of the Fallen is released to further the message of hate first stated in the first movie. Coincidence? I think not.

Let's look at the African American characters in the first movie. Bernie Mack played a used car dealer who tries to sell a car to the innocent young Sam played by Bay's racist agenda's tool Shia LaBeouf. As the movie progresses Bernie Mack's character is made to look like a fool and his business is ruined, all so as to provide comedy relief for the movie. Bay was obviously using this scene to trivialize the very real economic deprivation of inner city African Americans and to assert the dominance of the white man over African Americans in the financial sector. Bay's depravity does not stop there however.

Let's next look at the autobot Jazz. All cliched jokes about the black guy always dying in movies aside, (Jazz is torn in two later in the movie), Jazz is nothing more than a highly advanced mechanized metal Uncle Tom or Jim Crow. Throughout the entire movie his only function is to spout cliched ebonics which are meant to make him appear more 'black' and to obey the command of Optimus Prime. Optimus Prime by the way is colored most prominently in Red and Blue. Throw some white in there and you have a giant talking American Flag ordering around an insulting racial stereotype. This is obviously meant to be the key point of Michael Bay's racist agenda as he sets up an allegory for the subjugation of the African American people to the United States Government.

I will leave any kind of legal action in the hands of the African American community, but I can only assume that it will soon be coming seeing as Bay, realizing that one movie would not be enough to cram his white supremacist agenda down the throats of freedom loving Americans, has now put out a second movie which continues his depraved and unashamed attack on the African American Community. I pray that America will come to its senses and soon clamor for the downfall of this talentless hack who has only been successful through racist support, large explosions, and the smoking hotness which is Megan Fox.

Freedom Isn't Free, God Bless American, and All Hail the Mighty Robot Overlords!

First Contact

My sister suggested I create a blog as it would be a great opportunity for me to get myself noticed as an aspiring writer. I'm very grateful for her advice and encouragement. Usually when people ask me what I want to do and I tell them that I am a writing major they ask, if I want to commit suicide wouldn't a gun be easier, and less messy? That seems to be the prevailing attitude amongst the majority of people I speak to. Writing is perceived as a dead end that can lead to one of four places; as a professor in the university where my only purpose would be to perpetuate the major that others see as so useless, the local book store where I could impress patrons with the fact that I have a doctorate while I pull in a paycheck just slightly above minimum wage, law school where I could sensibly bury my dreams of writing in order to get a degree that will actually mean something to employers, and finally, a low rent apartment in a bad L.A. neighborhood where I keep working in my attempt to 'make it' as a writer, kept warm by nothing but my dreams and the trashcan in the corner filled with flaming cardboard boxes.

In this blog I hope to display and improve my writing abilities. What will I write about? I honestly have no clue seeing as I have hitherto been unable to discern any specific area where I can weigh in with anything resembling authority. No matter though, I will do my best to make this blog entertaining and enjoyable for any who happen upon it, and though at the moment my readership is non-existent I hope to change that very soon.