North Korea's World Cup Problem

Early reports from North Korea following the devastating loss to Portugal in the world cup indicate strong levels of discontent amongst the populace. North Korea’s 7-0 defeat at the hands of Portugal was the worst in years. Understandably the people of North Korea are upset at this news, but their ire was directed, not at the team, as would be expected, but rather at dictatorial leader Kim Jong Il.
“We do not blame the players,” said one citizen who asked to not be identified for fear of execution, “in truth we believe it is the fault of our leader Kim Jong Il.”
Kim Jong Il was only involved on the periphery of the team, barely taking a hand in the recruiting aspect and not even dealing with the players directly in practices. So, how could he be held accountable for the team’s failure? The answer, according to one North Korean native, is quite simple.
“It is a well known fact in North Korea that Kim Jong Il is the fastest, strongest, and all around most athletic person on the face of the earth. He holds all of the Olympic records within the boundaries of North Korea. So, why, in such an important international competition, did he choose to sideline himself? Did he think he was taking it easy on the other, more pathetic countries? If so, I would be tempted to say he judged the matter poorly, but of course he never judges poorly so his decision is unquestionable. He probably just doesn’t want to make the other countries feel bad about themselves.”
Perhaps Kim Jong Il should have been concentrating on his skills as a striker, rather than developing technology to strike out at the capitalist nations of the West. Prior to the tournament, when asked about the possibility of the unstoppable juggernaut that is Kim Jong Il participating in the world cup, President Obama had this to say,
“Now I understand that he believes himself to be exceptionally talented, but when faced with the prospect of America squaring off against Kim Jong Il on the pitch all I can say is Score Board. What happened when North Korea messed with America last time? That’s right they got a big fat demarcation zone down the length of their peninsula. Come at us Kim and we will just take half of that gay little soccer field…the good half. While we’re at it, what kind of country is just on a peninsula? No offense South Korea but a peninsula is basically just a land wang…or possibly an earth pimple. Either way it can’t compete with regularly situated nations. In conclusion, Kim Jong Il and his gay little peninsula nation can go hang out with the other peninsulas…like Italy. By the way, hey Italy how’s that Roman Empire doing? What? It fell? And you haven’t been a legit country since? Ouch.”
President Obama then walked out of the room chanting U-S-A and kicking a panda. It is doubtful whether the unrest following the world cup will amount to anything in North Korea, however it is clear that tensions are high and that peninsulas are totally lame.