Ever since I was a little boy I have loved Fantasy novels. I grew up reading classics like Tolkien and C.S. Lewis and when I began to write I naturally wanted to immitate my favorite books and write a fantasy novel. However, whenever I review my attempts to create a fantasy novel I see the same pattern creeping up. All of my stories tend to suck and make me want burn everything I've written. I decided to reassess the situation and look for inspiration from some successful contemporary fantasy writers. What I found upon further investigation has led me to form a disturbing conclusion. Since my findings would be the work of several volumes I will boil down my discovery into two words: facial hair. As in every other activity in life awesome facial hair gives you an undeniable edge over the competition in writing. Now you may be skeptical at this ludricrous claim, but lets look at some examples.
Author:
Most Notable Work:
Best Selling Series A Song of Ice and Fire (made into mediocre television series)
Most Notable Facial Hair:
A beard that seems to be at least half the size of his actual head. This photo looks like a pair of glasses trailing a thick cobweb but if you look closely you can see a castle in the background, oh and an author attached to the glasses and beard.
Author:Terry Goodkind
Most Notable Work:
The Sword of Truth Series (made into a less-than mediocre television series)
Most Notable Facial Hair:
A beard that looks like he trims it with the aid of an electron microscope. I'm surprised this guy had an opportunity to write anything what with the constant care his beard must demand. Now his beard does not take up nearly as much of his face as Martin's does but Goodkind compensates for this inadequacy with one of the most spectacular 'I have a pony tail so you don't notice my receeding hairline' arrangements that I have ever seen. No, seriously Terry, it's not even kinda noticeable that you've lost like half your hair already. No, of course you don't look like a borderline child molestor who hangs out at bowling alleys hitting on the thirteen year olds who are there for a birthday party. No man, I don't want any candy. I don't care if you lost your puppy and need help looking for it, I'm not getting in your van Terry.
A beard that looks like he trims it with the aid of an electron microscope. I'm surprised this guy had an opportunity to write anything what with the constant care his beard must demand. Now his beard does not take up nearly as much of his face as Martin's does but Goodkind compensates for this inadequacy with one of the most spectacular 'I have a pony tail so you don't notice my receeding hairline' arrangements that I have ever seen. No, seriously Terry, it's not even kinda noticeable that you've lost like half your hair already. No, of course you don't look like a borderline child molestor who hangs out at bowling alleys hitting on the thirteen year olds who are there for a birthday party. No man, I don't want any candy. I don't care if you lost your puppy and need help looking for it, I'm not getting in your van Terry.
Author:
Robert Jordan
Most Notable Work:
The Wheel of Time series (adapted into a god awful video game)
Most Notable Facial Hair:
In his younger days Jordan faced much adversity due to color discrimination. You may say, but he's white! Yes, but look at the beard. That's right, Robert Jordan was one of the first to break the Ginger color barrier in the literary community. Jordan found his success when he wrote a best selling series of novels that involved a red headed orphan in a society of dark haired people discovering that there was a society of red headed people that could actually totally beat up the 'regular' kids, i mean people. Oh, and he was their magical leader apparently as well I guess. Jordan's sensitivity to his gingerness caused him to write down what every nerd dreams of. A world where he is the coolest most popular guy around and he gets to take vengeance on people who made fun of him for being different? I can just see right now little Robby Jordan in third grade gym class trying to get out of dodgeball because the other kids were going to gang up on him. Well he doesn't need to be sensitive any more. He is a national bestselling author. And all those kids from grade school know that now because he totally called them all to rub it in, even if most of them didn't remember him it was still totally awesome! He doesn't need to worry anymore anyway cause his hair turned white so he looks normal! Also he was diagnosed with a genetic disease and died of it 2 years ago. Kind of a bummer. But his legacy lives on.
So there you have it. That is just three of the very successful indivduals who have helped shaped modern fantasy literature. The one uniting feature? That's right, facial hair. You heard it here first folks. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go soak my face in Rogain and look up the numbers to all the kids I went to grade school with. My novel about a hero who has stress induced diarrhea is totally gonna put them all in their place! Then they'll feel stupid for making fun of me.
R.I.P. Robert Jordan
1948-2007
